Resident Orgy
by Rinku123
Summary: What happens when Jill is an Avon salesperson that likes to mix business with pleasure? Rated M for disturbing...ness.
1. Avon Calling!

**A/N: I do not know why I'm writing this story. It is sick and twisted and wrong. I do know, however, that I do not own Resident Evil. Or Jill. Or Avon. How cool would that be, though?**

Jill Valentine was a whiny, stubborn little bitch. It was dark out. So she whined. It was raining. So she cried. And some fucking weird dog thing was chasing after her. So she flipped it off. You see, Jill was never one to think things through before she did them. To most people, flipping off a half-dead dog thing that was already chasing you would be a bad idea. But, unfortunately, Jill was a giant pile of cunt and did not understand such things. Anyway.

Jill ran from the creepy-ass dog for about a mile before coming to a clearing. She looked around the clearing and saw what appeared to be a mansion. Now, Jill has something known as a fetish for large houses, so she peed a little bit in awe.

Jill walked up to the house and reapplied her makeup and straightened her hair. Then she daintily knocked. As she waited for a response, she got out her products for sale. Jill, being the stupid little motherfucker she is, didn't realize that the creepy old house in the middle of nowhere was abandoned. What a retard. So she did the only thing a sensible person would do.

She walked inside.

"HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THIS IS AVON CALLING, AND HAVE WE GOT DEALS FOR YOU!" Jill screamed at no one.

Yes. Jill Shanaenae Valentine worked for Avon, and was a door-to-door salestranny. And boy was she horny.

When no one answered her obnoxious shouting, she took it as a sign that she should find whoever owned this house and fuck the living daylights outta them… I mean, sell them Avon jewelry and such.

She turned around towards the front door in one super-cool 180 move, and saw that dumbfuck dog there. Although, in this light, it looked… rather attractive. Sexy, even, Jill thought. She seductively walked toward the door. "Hey baby… You wanna _treat_?" Jill said, pulling up her leg sleeve to reveal a leg hairier than the dog. "Oh dear, I seem to have forgotten to shave this month." Jill said, and soon after began tittering like a schoolgirl.

Jill shook it off, and took off her beret. With a sudden movement, she threw it and it hit the dog-thing square in the face. It began to growl, and suddenly lunged at Jill, who had been busy readying the kinky playthings she always carried with her. The dog pinned her down, and she began to giggle again.

"Oh, you're so NAUGHTY!" Jill screamed in the dog's face. With that, the dog opened his mouth wide and bit her face, ripping and mauling it.

"AHHH! EEK! THIS… IS… NOT.. THECKTHY!" (That last word was "sexy"- Poor Jill had her tongue being eaten off at this point) She managed to throw the dog off, then stabbed it through the eye with a dildo. She then ran through a nearby door.

She rubbed some pot she found on the ground all over her wounds, and suddenly her face was back to normal and she had regained use of her right ovary! Happy and somewhat sexually pleased, Jill continued her search for a fuck buddy- I mean, customer.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know it's short, but all the chapters will be. Deal with it. Tell me what you think, though. Chapter 2 soon!


	2. You Got Served

-1**DISCLAIMER: Still don't own Resident Evil, or anything else worthwhile. I do, however, own YOU. Muahaha.**

**Anyway.**

Jill breathed deeply and took a look at her surroundings. She was in what appeared to be a dining room. "I had sex in a dining room once." said Jill happily. She started walking through the room. The table was incredibly long and hard. _Like a penis,_ thought Jill.

Finding nothing particularly interesting in this room (though she did stop to finger a knife thoughtfully- then decided it would be too painful), she walked into the next hallway. Turning to her left, she thought she heard a sound. Being the nosy bitch she is, she investigated. Then she turned the corner and stopped dead in her tracks.

What she saw there was a figure hunched over another body, eating it.

It was the hottest fucking thing she had ever witnessed. As she watched, she felt heat start to rise to her face. Looking down, she saw a bulge in her pants.

Yes. Jill had her first erection.

The material of Jill's jeans brushed up against the zombie-thingy. It wasn't that Jill was standing close to it, it was just that her erection was, let us say, about 7 feet long. Yeah. Ouch.

The zombie stood up and began walking toward Jill, mumbling and groaning. _Oh wow, _Jill thought. _He has orgasms just walking around, too!_

Jill was sadly mistaken. For as soon as the zombie reached her, it grabbed her by the head and began eating her neck. "Wow, this is going to leave a MAJOR hickey!" said Jill, elated.

It was only when Jill found that her head was hanging off of her neck at a strange angle did she realize that the zombie wasn't trying to make out with her- It was trying to eat her. This did turn her on a little bit, but still, it was unacceptable.

She pushed the zombie away, treated her half-neck with some more pot, and then faced the little flesh eater bitch again.

"ZOMBIE-BITCH!" Jill screamed, her voice somehow magnified by about fifty times. Too bad the zombie was deaf anyway. "I CHALLENGE YOU… TO A DANCE-OFF!"

And with that, Jill pulled out her Avon Bling-Bling©, turned her beret, and blasted music from her boom box. She sang along with the song as she began her mortifying dance.

"PROMISCUOUS JILL, WHEREVER YOU ARE, LALALALALALA, HMMMHMMHMMM…" Jill erupted, though she didn't quite know all the words. She attempted to spin on her head, and with a sickening _crack_, she broke her neck and oragasmed a little.

Then it was the zombie's turn. He was a little nervous, as he hadn't practiced dancing in awhile…

**FLASHBACK!**

A young zombie is seen in his family's living room, with N'SYNC blaring, and his parents sitting on the couch, watching. He was steadying himself for the main chorus, when his dancing prowess would be unleashed. With each beat, he felt himself get more nervous. Finally, it came.

The zombie moved, executing each step with perfection. Until…

"Bye, Bye, BYE!" little zombiekins sang along, emphasizing the last "bye" with a solid kick. His poor little rotten zombie flesh couldn't take the strain, and his leg flew off, kicking his father's head off.

He ran out of the house sobbing, leaving his mother to gnaw on his severed leg.

**FLAAAAAAASHBACK!**

The zombie stepped up to start dancing. "YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT, ZOMBIE! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT!" Jill screamed from the sidelines which, since it was such a narrow hallway, was right in the zombie's ear. He started moving, but almost as soon as it started, it stopped. With a yell, the zombie slipped on Jill's blood and his head burst open.

"You got served, muthafucka! Eat that, whitey! Yo momma!" Jill threw these and other gangster insults at the decapitated zombie corpse for about a quarter of an hour. She then slipped into some lingerie and continued her relentless search for a penis to call her own.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hmm… I don't really like this chapter as much as the first one. But I promise it'll get better. I hope. Meh, keep reading. You don't have a life anyway, do you?

Reviews were great for last chapter, keep 'em coming!


End file.
